i have never met anybody in the world quite like him, which is a good and bad thing. you don't know him yet, but you will; and when it happens, your entire world will be turned upside-down. you're going to think he is amazing and smart and funny and perfect. you'll think the world of him and act so immature because he makes the butterflies in your stomach flutter so hard that you feel like passing out every single time he is around. with every day that comes and goes, you're going to fall harder and harder for him until you hit the ground with skinned knees and a broken heart. but every single day, you're going to pick yourself right back up and keep trying. some days he may help just by clearing the stormy sky with one simple smile aimed at you from across the football field or by telling you that you're cool. you're going to think that everything will work itself out over time because you know deep down in your heart that it is meant to be.
but i have to be honest with you, sometimes our hearts can be very good at lying to us. and sometimes we want to believe the lies so bad, that we allow ourselves to dream. those dreams are what get us into trouble. they provide false hope that we hold onto for years and years and years, even when every circumstance is begging for us to let go. you see, by that point, he is going to be the only thing in the world you really want and you're going to feel like you need him. it will be as if you are literally going to die if you don't see him or hear his voice, and you panic any time you think he is even remotely in danger, whether emotionally or physically.
i cannot tell you how many times i have wished i could take back the night the feelings first invaded my heart, but i can tell you it's more often than not here lately. i have come to find out that he is nothing like the guy i thought i knew, because the truth is, i never really knew him. this has a lot to do with the previously mentioned immaturity due to shyness, but even more to do with the fact he thinks i'm some crazy stalker chick. the only thing i have gotten out of any of it, is an emotional rollercoaster whose track is a simple circle. all it does is make you dizzy and want to get off, but you can't because it is going far too fast and there is no end. it goes on and on forever, or until you fall off. either way, it ends badly for you because anyway you play it, you will never be able to find the emergency exit and he will never be yours.
it probably won't help any if i tell you to just pretend he doesn't exist, because fate will play its course and you'll end up falling for him one way or another, so i won't waste my words. just be careful, ohkay? protect your heart and leave your mind open to other possibilities. as they've told me many of times over the years, he is NOT the only fish in the sea. so, go out there and swim around with your little snorkel and find a better little clownfish to call your own. i promise that God made the perfect guy for you, all you have to do is be patient and trust Him. (it also wouldn't hurt if you tried to be a little more normal around guys you like, i hear it really helps your case.)
daughters of jerusalem, i charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
song of solomon 2:7
lovelovelove,
me.
p.s. if you're reading this (you know who you are), i really am sorry for everything. had i known the consequences of my immaturity and my friends' immaturity, i would have stopped as much of it as i could. i know that things will never ever be normal between us, i've given up that hope long ago. i am, however, working on being "normal" around other guys i like. so i guess i can thank you for teaching me how not to approach certain situations. who knows, maybe i really will find another fish in this great big sea our world is, but i do know i will never forget you.
