75% Afraid

you were there
until one day you weren't
i used to sit in the backseat of your car
in my car seat
my biggest concern in the world was juice
because you were there
and if you were there
i was secure
and that's how it was
monopoly on new year's
no matter what distance was between us
you were just a phone call away
you were a light shining past the elephant
you made everything funny
you taught me to run barefoot
you taught me to follow my crazy dreams
but i remember the day your name changed in my phone
i remember the nights it was hard to breathe
when i asked myself why i was calling you
but who else was i supposed to call
when you were the one who steadied my breathing before
i guess two decades was too long
and i can still hear your words
the quiet early morning words
that broke the part of my heart i thought i had hardened
but it was all in the name of two little ones who took my place
i guess expanding the space wasn't an option
it hurts
but i won't fight you
you were there
until one day you weren't



you were there
until one day you weren't
i used to look up at you climbing trees
from the ground it looked like fun
the stars twinkled overhead the night i told you
my biggest concern was getting through the year
but it didn't matter
because you were there
you always knew what to say
face to face and in word
no matter what distance was between us
we used to talk everyday
you were my hope in a world of dismay
you let me face it
you made everything light
you taught me to trust something new
but i remember the day your name changed in my phone
i remember trying to understand what was going on inside
when i asked myself if i really felt it
but why was it bad to feel it
when you were the only one who made sense
i guess a decade was too long
and i can still hear your silence
it is deafening

its violence squeezing and suffocating my heart

but it was in the name of finding your one

i guess it is best i find a new daydream
it hurts
but i won't fight youyou were there
until one day you weren't



you were there
until one day you weren't
we used to sit on the floor
and play with toys
we used to hide in the doghouse
we used to climb the weeping willow
we used to make those awful videos
you stuck up for me when i couldn't find the words
and i was there when your world was shattered
we did everything together
no matter what distance was between us
we were hundreds of miles apart most of the time
yet we were inseparable
you were my constant in my world of chaos
you made me realize i was capable of more
you taught me friendship
but i remember the day your name changed in my phone
i remember the confusion of the circumstances
when i asked myself why i was still investing in this
but why shouldn't i invest
when you were the main source of investment for my whole life
i guess two decades is too long
and i can still hear your words
the repetitive text words
that broke the last pieces of heart i had left
but it was all in the name of the life you thought you wanted
i guess it was just easier to lie all along
it hurts 
but i won't fight you
you were there
until one day you weren't

from there to here.

how do you let go of something you thought was your future?
how do you let go of something you thought was your future because of someone you thought was your future?
how do you let go of someone you thought was your future after you let go of something that was your future?

you lose a lot.
you lose the future.
you lose it.
you lose him.
you lose everything.
you lose yourself.

because somewhere in the midst of all of it, you defined yourself.
you defined yourself by the work and sleepless nights you put in trying to please everyone, even at the expense of your own pleasure.
you defined yourself by the associations and the approval you gained from the success.
but were you happy?
were you really happy?
you don't know.
because what came out of it?
rejection at the last minute?
sitting at a rock table fifteen minutes before class and telling yourself the tears you're holding back can be released in eight hours.
they can be released when you're finally at home.
in your room.
alone.
after you try to prove yourself in a class far above your head.
after you have made sure the entire community feels welcome.
but how good at that can you be when the rug wasn't just ripped out from under you...
...it was ripped out from under you
then doused with kerosene
then burned.
and the ashes?
they were tossed half into the deepest sea
and half into the Himalayas
so you can never find them again.
and that community?
well that was over.
four years of everything
only to turn to minimum all at once.

and when you had nothing left
you defined yourself by him.
first by friendship
then by making yourself feel better because at least you could have the life everyone else wanted.
that was your new definition.
blend in.
after a life of standing out and doing everything you could to achieve greatness.
your new definition was mediocrity.
live in the suburb of a city.
marry the boy next door.
marry the boy of whom your whole family already approved.
have the 2.5 kids.
have the white picket fence
in a subdivision where every house came from the same batch of cookies.
get a mediocre job that has nothing to do with your passion
much less your degree.
and be ohkay.
honestly, you would be ohkay.
because you loved him.
and that was a passion in and of itself.
you loved him.
with everything in you.

but he didn't love you.
or he was too coward to reevaluate you.
because,
after all,
you were just the girl next door to him too.

and you just want to wake up.
you want to wake up back in that room.
the one with the writing on the wall.
the one with the tiny window above your desk.
the one with the refrigerator in the closet.
the one with the bookshelf by the door
and the travel memorabilia from last summer.
and the summer before that.
the one you spent barely any time in because you never slept
because you were doing the work of at least three people all at once.
because you were doing what made your eyes glimmer when you spoke.
the one with the light buzzing of the fan
the one filled with the faint laughter of the other six or seven people in the house.

because if you wake up in that room...
...then it was all just a nightmare.
a horrible nightmare.
but at least it was in your head
and not in your reality.
because if you wake up in that room...
...there's still time to change it.
to make sure the redefining never happens.
maybe you can find the way to absolute zero without creating the black hole.
freeze time.
stay in that room forever.
stay in that moment forever.
because if you wake up in that room...
...you don't have to figure out how to let something go you thought was your future.
...you don't have to figure out how to let go of something you thought was your future because of someone you thought was your future?
...you don't have to figure out how to let go of someone you thought was your future after you let go of something that was your future?
because if you wake up in that room
you don't have to figure out where to go from here. 

here yesterday, gone today.

i used to think you needed me at least as much as i needed you.
maybe not in the same way,
but at least of the same magnitude.

then i thought you just needed me less than i needed you.
definitely not in the same way,
but at least of some magnitude.

in time i learned you don't need me at all.
not in any way,
not at any magnitude

so i decided i need me.

this page

it's a blank page
i'm familiar with the view
what's next?
what's new?

from three to zero
but it's ohkay
we all know
we were running out of things to say

a force between
only because of the past
and what was being studied
truly nothing that would last

across the border
quite the site
the ocean rushing
but we'll just call it one night

but it's you
it always has been
but of course i acted
in a way i can't defend 

so from three to zero
is the stance now
but to open the door again
is that something allowed?

and you?
do dandelions still grow?
it's a completely different field
so i really don't know

but you'd think with all of the time
and the dirt and the grime
there would be something more
than just this stupid rhyme

hello? hello?
is anyone else there?
i'm looking out over the crowd
but there's no one left at which to stare 

it's a confusing page
i'm familiar with the view
a lack of trust in oneself
now that is something new

it's crazy i remember every detail, but i do

sunflowers dancing
hot tubs steaming
thoughts of chancing
a wild mind dreaming

a night to remember
or maybe to forget
your eyes were blue embers
my dress was dripping wet

the next day came
and slipped away quick
with only the sea to blame
for being so sick

but there was no stopping what came next
the ocean kissing the shore
and in spite of one brake check
actually wanting more

in and out
through sleep and wake
i was too weak to doubt
or wonder what was at stake

and was i vermilion? 
of course there were questions
there's always a billion
so thanks for the concession

but just like tv show crime
everything has to end
even if a little before its time
because some boundaries did bend

there's a lot you don't know
but yes there is a play too cool
even with all of the woes
i still ended up the fool

now there's just snapshots
me here; you there
it will only be a passing thought
i'm sure evaporated into thin air