75% Afraid

you were there
until one day you weren't
i used to sit in the backseat of your car
in my car seat
my biggest concern in the world was juice
because you were there
and if you were there
i was secure
and that's how it was
monopoly on new year's
no matter what distance was between us
you were just a phone call away
you were a light shining past the elephant
you made everything funny
you taught me to run barefoot
you taught me to follow my crazy dreams
but i remember the day your name changed in my phone
i remember the nights it was hard to breathe
when i asked myself why i was calling you
but who else was i supposed to call
when you were the one who steadied my breathing before
i guess two decades was too long
and i can still hear your words
the quiet early morning words
that broke the part of my heart i thought i had hardened
but it was all in the name of two little ones who took my place
i guess expanding the space wasn't an option
it hurts
but i won't fight you
you were there
until one day you weren't



you were there
until one day you weren't
i used to look up at you climbing trees
from the ground it looked like fun
the stars twinkled overhead the night i told you
my biggest concern was getting through the year
but it didn't matter
because you were there
you always knew what to say
face to face and in word
no matter what distance was between us
we used to talk everyday
you were my hope in a world of dismay
you let me face it
you made everything light
you taught me to trust something new
but i remember the day your name changed in my phone
i remember trying to understand what was going on inside
when i asked myself if i really felt it
but why was it bad to feel it
when you were the only one who made sense
i guess a decade was too long
and i can still hear your silence
it is deafening

its violence squeezing and suffocating my heart

but it was in the name of finding your one

i guess it is best i find a new daydream
it hurts
but i won't fight youyou were there
until one day you weren't



you were there
until one day you weren't
we used to sit on the floor
and play with toys
we used to hide in the doghouse
we used to climb the weeping willow
we used to make those awful videos
you stuck up for me when i couldn't find the words
and i was there when your world was shattered
we did everything together
no matter what distance was between us
we were hundreds of miles apart most of the time
yet we were inseparable
you were my constant in my world of chaos
you made me realize i was capable of more
you taught me friendship
but i remember the day your name changed in my phone
i remember the confusion of the circumstances
when i asked myself why i was still investing in this
but why shouldn't i invest
when you were the main source of investment for my whole life
i guess two decades is too long
and i can still hear your words
the repetitive text words
that broke the last pieces of heart i had left
but it was all in the name of the life you thought you wanted
i guess it was just easier to lie all along
it hurts 
but i won't fight you
you were there
until one day you weren't

from there to here.

how do you let go of something you thought was your future?
how do you let go of something you thought was your future because of someone you thought was your future?
how do you let go of someone you thought was your future after you let go of something that was your future?

you lose a lot.
you lose the future.
you lose it.
you lose him.
you lose everything.
you lose yourself.

because somewhere in the midst of all of it, you defined yourself.
you defined yourself by the work and sleepless nights you put in trying to please everyone, even at the expense of your own pleasure.
you defined yourself by the associations and the approval you gained from the success.
but were you happy?
were you really happy?
you don't know.
because what came out of it?
rejection at the last minute?
sitting at a rock table fifteen minutes before class and telling yourself the tears you're holding back can be released in eight hours.
they can be released when you're finally at home.
in your room.
alone.
after you try to prove yourself in a class far above your head.
after you have made sure the entire community feels welcome.
but how good at that can you be when the rug wasn't just ripped out from under you...
...it was ripped out from under you
then doused with kerosene
then burned.
and the ashes?
they were tossed half into the deepest sea
and half into the Himalayas
so you can never find them again.
and that community?
well that was over.
four years of everything
only to turn to minimum all at once.

and when you had nothing left
you defined yourself by him.
first by friendship
then by making yourself feel better because at least you could have the life everyone else wanted.
that was your new definition.
blend in.
after a life of standing out and doing everything you could to achieve greatness.
your new definition was mediocrity.
live in the suburb of a city.
marry the boy next door.
marry the boy of whom your whole family already approved.
have the 2.5 kids.
have the white picket fence
in a subdivision where every house came from the same batch of cookies.
get a mediocre job that has nothing to do with your passion
much less your degree.
and be ohkay.
honestly, you would be ohkay.
because you loved him.
and that was a passion in and of itself.
you loved him.
with everything in you.

but he didn't love you.
or he was too coward to reevaluate you.
because,
after all,
you were just the girl next door to him too.

and you just want to wake up.
you want to wake up back in that room.
the one with the writing on the wall.
the one with the tiny window above your desk.
the one with the refrigerator in the closet.
the one with the bookshelf by the door
and the travel memorabilia from last summer.
and the summer before that.
the one you spent barely any time in because you never slept
because you were doing the work of at least three people all at once.
because you were doing what made your eyes glimmer when you spoke.
the one with the light buzzing of the fan
the one filled with the faint laughter of the other six or seven people in the house.

because if you wake up in that room...
...then it was all just a nightmare.
a horrible nightmare.
but at least it was in your head
and not in your reality.
because if you wake up in that room...
...there's still time to change it.
to make sure the redefining never happens.
maybe you can find the way to absolute zero without creating the black hole.
freeze time.
stay in that room forever.
stay in that moment forever.
because if you wake up in that room...
...you don't have to figure out how to let something go you thought was your future.
...you don't have to figure out how to let go of something you thought was your future because of someone you thought was your future?
...you don't have to figure out how to let go of someone you thought was your future after you let go of something that was your future?
because if you wake up in that room
you don't have to figure out where to go from here. 

here yesterday, gone today.

i used to think you needed me at least as much as i needed you.
maybe not in the same way,
but at least of the same magnitude.

then i thought you just needed me less than i needed you.
definitely not in the same way,
but at least of some magnitude.

in time i learned you don't need me at all.
not in any way,
not at any magnitude

so i decided i need me.

this page

it's a blank page
i'm familiar with the view
what's next?
what's new?

from three to zero
but it's ohkay
we all know
we were running out of things to say

a force between
only because of the past
and what was being studied
truly nothing that would last

across the border
quite the site
the ocean rushing
but we'll just call it one night

but it's you
it always has been
but of course i acted
in a way i can't defend 

so from three to zero
is the stance now
but to open the door again
is that something allowed?

and you?
do dandelions still grow?
it's a completely different field
so i really don't know

but you'd think with all of the time
and the dirt and the grime
there would be something more
than just this stupid rhyme

hello? hello?
is anyone else there?
i'm looking out over the crowd
but there's no one left at which to stare 

it's a confusing page
i'm familiar with the view
a lack of trust in oneself
now that is something new

it's crazy i remember every detail, but i do

sunflowers dancing
hot tubs steaming
thoughts of chancing
a wild mind dreaming

a night to remember
or maybe to forget
your eyes were blue embers
my dress was dripping wet

the next day came
and slipped away quick
with only the sea to blame
for being so sick

but there was no stopping what came next
the ocean kissing the shore
and in spite of one brake check
actually wanting more

in and out
through sleep and wake
i was too weak to doubt
or wonder what was at stake

and was i vermilion? 
of course there were questions
there's always a billion
so thanks for the concession

but just like tv show crime
everything has to end
even if a little before its time
because some boundaries did bend

there's a lot you don't know
but yes there is a play too cool
even with all of the woes
i still ended up the fool

now there's just snapshots
me here; you there
it will only be a passing thought
i'm sure evaporated into thin air 

m & m

you asked me what my goals were
you asked me what i wanted out of this opportunity for now
you asked me what would drive me day to day

because in the long term i thought of me
i thought of my comfort
i thought about saving my fifth grade dream that had been "taken" from me

but did i want a house?
that's what you wanted
and you fulfilled that dream and built your life from the ground

you described everything to him first
and with your amazing ambition and tantalizing talent and dedicated drive
you made your dreams possible

but i just wanted to help
i wanted to settle my dust and help
but i didn't have the words to explain it

i didn't know how to tell you i just wanted everything to be ohkay for once
i didn't know how to tell you i didn't want the friction anymore
because it would take too long and too much of you 

but sitting here with poetry in my hand and a chai latte to my lips
i read it
i understand how to explain it

of course i want to be successful
but i don't crave success for me
i need to be successful to gain
enough milk and honey
to help those around
me succeed
-rupi kaur (milk and honey)

yes, i want to make all of my dreams come true
but i don't know what they are anymore
i don't know how to make paper from scratch in a treeless land

but more importantly,
i want to help the one who made sure i lived
even if she continuously throws rootless dirt in my face

and i want to help the only one who has never left my side
because with a little faith, trust and green pixie dust
her dreams coming into focus can be achieved too

just like your house
and look how extensively blessed you are now
and you didn't even dream that part

that's my goal
that's what i want out of this opportunity for now
that's what will drive me day to day

hesitation

she sat on the ledge, looking down
"that's really not a long fall,"
she said with no sound
but still she sat in fear bound
on top of the ledge, trying to stall

"i will help you, i will."
"i will help you, too."
the voices came with courage to instill
reminding her of the prophecy she'd fulfill
so her determination grew and grew

but seconds turned into minutes and minutes into hours
until she finally decided to climb down the ladder
she swam out to the voices devoid of power
a little too much like a crumpled up flower
and explained to the extent she couldn't be sadder

"well, now we have to; come on let's go"
and back up onto the ledge they climbed
as if there was any option to just say no
but it was an experience the other wanted her to know
and they took off for the jump in time

she did not mean to stop
and make the other hesitate
but she couldn't do the drop
so she was left up at the top
the other's projection inadequate

and then the scream of a child
the mass chaos of bruise and blood
the next bit of time seemed rather wild
though everything seemed to reconcile
but that did not prevent the flood

"if only you hadn't hesitated"
is all it really took
the injuries that were related 
and the feeling of the fault is was what she really hated
until that night inside of her everything shook

followed was the declaration that it wasn't her
expect it was because she repeated
but this time a bigger pot was stirred
how could she know exactly what would occur?
a mistake and hesitation that got really overheated

so now the lesson is finally learned
when you hesitate people get hurt 
and sometimes even you will get burned
but from all of this she suddenly turned
and all her courage she does now exert.