loophole

it's those moments on those wet, cold and rainy nights
when you step into the darkness, out of the reach of the street lights.
i sat in silence, with my mind in wonder up on that shed
thinking through all of the years and the things that were never said.
i'm sure my bare feet were freezing, but i didn't know
my spirit had probably reached one of those moments of all time lows.
i looked out over the field, so damp and desolate
and for some reason it pulled me in like a fish to bait.
i jumped down and sunk my toes into the ground
and i crossed the barren field without making a sound.
my sights were set on the unlit stadium light on the opposite side
and my longing to get there got stronger with every single stride.
but while i was consumed in my tunnel vision,
i hit the outfield fence in one grand collision.
i blinked a couple times in frustration
and tried to take another step forward in desperation.
but that fence was still there,
holding me back like it would in a nightmare.
i turned around, looking at the progress i had made
and i watched the reality of the situation fade.
"untouchable, like the distant diamond sky"
and my breath came out as a sigh.
to be so close, yet so far away
with but a lousy fence keeping me at bay.
i pulled my phone out to make a call
because that fence was obviously not going to randomly fall.
i started to walk away in capitulation
and for a moment there was no consolation.
but a few steps later something made me turn around
and as i looked again, my loophole had been found.
across my lips danced a slight grin,
an open gate stood a couple steps from where i had been.
"amazing," was all i could manage to say
and as my mind fully understood, my feet were on their way.
i crossed through the gate into the unknown,
just as the other person answered their phone.
but all my attention was focused on that stadium light
and i walked right up to it without a fence giving me a fight.
i realized that the obstacles were what i needed to overcome
the time has already passed, now the moving of the "fence" needs to be done.
i just need to step back and look at the scene at its whole
instead of the tunnel vision that has been guiding my stroll.
it won't be today, and probably not next,
but i will take whatever solution that is to come unvexed.

how He loves

It's the worst feeling in the world when you realize there is absolutely nobody left to walk out of your life.
The tears stream down your face,
and your heart breaks over and over and over to the point that you could not breath, even if you had the energy to try.
All you can do is curl up in the smallest ball your body can possibly make and let it all out until you are left with no more tears to release and it just comes out as giant gasps of air.
You feel as if there is nothing you can do and the hopelessness sets in.
There is nobody who can save you,
there is nobody who would want to save you.
Then, out of nowhere, a still, small voice in the back of your head starts singing,
He is jealous for me,
loves like a hurricane,
I am a tree,
bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflications eclipsed by glory,
and realize just how beautiful you are,
and how great your affections are for me.
The world stops,
and you take a clear deep breath,
one that feels like the first one you took after being trapped in your mother's womb for nine months.
A slow smile begins to warm your face
and all you can do is whisper to yourself,
Oh, how He loves us,
oh,
oh, how He loves us,
how he loves us all
You feel His arms wrap around you and the sun in your world begins to shine once again.
There is nothing in this world that our God cannot handle,
and there is nothing in this world that our God cannot see.
He loves us so much that no matter what we have done or what other people have done to us,
he could never, ever love us less.
He knows our hearts better that we could ever hope to.
He knows exactly how many hairs we have on our heads.
And He cares for even the smallest bird that falls out of the sky.
yeah He loves us,
oh how He loves us,
oh how He loves us,
oh how He loves

with grace and mercy

broken chains

and little scars

you inflict the pain

it's who you are

i won't get mad

i'll hold my tongue

just know it's sad

these things you've done

your sly remarks

and tainted intentions

have allowed me to embark

on a new journey of suspicions

words can be used as a blade

and i could easily fight back

but my decision has been made

i will keep my integrity intact





everything, everyday (everywhere 2)

Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night

from the nightmares that you cause

and I don’t know how to shake the fright

when everything about us is put on pause

as the real world turns back into dreams

all I see is your handsome face

your eyes have this boyish gleam

and I long to feel your embrace

I wish that you would hold my hand

and rock me into a dance

this is becoming a little more than I can stand

mostly because you never gave me a chance

there's so much i wish i could say

but the silence keeps growing everyday

i want to scream, i want to shout

what i really want is to kick you out

there has got to be something i can do

because there is nothing left of me and you

everywhere

she got over you a while ago; it's hard to believe, but true
now you keep coming back around just hoping her love for you grew
the hardest part of letting go, was thinking you never cared
and maybe she did get a bit carried away when she got lost in her thoughts and stared
but who were you to judge that innocent little girl following her heart
after all, you knew you really liked her from the very start
you let everything get in the way, which may have ruined it all
and here you are saying that you could finally be ready to fall
you show up everywhere she is, even when you're not actually around
but she kind of thinks she's crazy, so she doesn't make a sound
you're in the haunting dreams that come about when she is fast asleep
and in the memories passing her by, really cutting in deep
however there are those times in reality when you do show your face
now don't get too high on your horse, but you can still make her heart race
it must be those undefinable, inescapable blue eyes
because it certainly has nothing to do with all the lies
the saddest part is, she'd run right back if you would ask
but at this point for you, that would be too big of a task
so here she, not looking back in the knowledge that you aren't there
and in the meantime your presence still follows her everywhere

be here: a response

it's the warmth in the cold
even when these feelings get too old
if he could actually see the scars that she hides
would he want to stay by her side? 

is it all the same?
has it all been done before?

just to simply be here
to be safe without the fear
the walls aren't just of this house
they're everywhere in kerosene doused
she swears that she's made with a heart that won't break 
everything could be dead but she'd still believe

he whispers "it's not alright to be what you've become
these events do not have to be your final sum
i've tried to be quiet, but this heart is on fire
because it's you that i admire
and i want you to be here
i want you to be here
i want you to be here
i want you to be here"
 
and so she'll wait for these six simple words
because they're ones she's never heard

 


 

"she was born with the gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad."

     A little over seventeen years ago, in a small British hospital, a young woman gave birth to a baby girl. The little girl grew up all over the place, moving from England, to Kansas, then Illinois, South Carolina, Ohio, and eventually North Carolina. Along the way she experienced things like busting her head open, meeting Jesus, starting school, braking her arm, transferring three times in one school year, adopting a kitten, receiving the lead in a play, befriending an enemy, growing up without a dad, playing soccer, finding out hard work pays off, and many other things. She learned very quickly to take the good with the bad and to accept nothing less than her very best.
     My name is Kayla, and I am that little girl...or at least an older version of her. 

     It seems as if I am constantly writing, so I decided to try this blogging thing out. Please do not mind my excessive overuse of metaphors, puns, hyperboles, and other types of figurative language, I do often get a little carried away. I am somewhat of a perfectionist, and have at times had OCD tendencies. I am borderline obsessed with mangoes, so you will probably get tired of reading about my superfluous, but vehement love for them. Carolina blue is my favorite color; yellow is also delightful. Despite the stereotypical teenage disgust of school, I actually do not mind it all that much. My brain thrives off of learning new things. Soccer has been a way of life since before I started kindergarten. I quite enjoy classical things such as canopy beds, sailboats, peter pan collars, and feather pens. Jesus is my savior and my best friend.

     Anything else you need to know about me, I am sure if you read long enough you will find out. However, if you are impatient, you can just ask. I promise, I do not bite.