m & m

you asked me what my goals were
you asked me what i wanted out of this opportunity for now
you asked me what would drive me day to day

because in the long term i thought of me
i thought of my comfort
i thought about saving my fifth grade dream that had been "taken" from me

but did i want a house?
that's what you wanted
and you fulfilled that dream and built your life from the ground

you described everything to him first
and with your amazing ambition and tantalizing talent and dedicated drive
you made your dreams possible

but i just wanted to help
i wanted to settle my dust and help
but i didn't have the words to explain it

i didn't know how to tell you i just wanted everything to be ohkay for once
i didn't know how to tell you i didn't want the friction anymore
because it would take too long and too much of you 

but sitting here with poetry in my hand and a chai latte to my lips
i read it
i understand how to explain it

of course i want to be successful
but i don't crave success for me
i need to be successful to gain
enough milk and honey
to help those around
me succeed
-rupi kaur (milk and honey)

yes, i want to make all of my dreams come true
but i don't know what they are anymore
i don't know how to make paper from scratch in a treeless land

but more importantly,
i want to help the one who made sure i lived
even if she continuously throws rootless dirt in my face

and i want to help the only one who has never left my side
because with a little faith, trust and green pixie dust
her dreams coming into focus can be achieved too

just like your house
and look how extensively blessed you are now
and you didn't even dream that part

that's my goal
that's what i want out of this opportunity for now
that's what will drive me day to day

hesitation

she sat on the ledge, looking down
"that's really not a long fall,"
she said with no sound
but still she sat in fear bound
on top of the ledge, trying to stall

"i will help you, i will."
"i will help you, too."
the voices came with courage to instill
reminding her of the prophecy she'd fulfill
so her determination grew and grew

but seconds turned into minutes and minutes into hours
until she finally decided to climb down the ladder
she swam out to the voices devoid of power
a little too much like a crumpled up flower
and explained to the extent she couldn't be sadder

"well, now we have to; come on let's go"
and back up onto the ledge they climbed
as if there was any option to just say no
but it was an experience the other wanted her to know
and they took off for the jump in time

she did not mean to stop
and make the other hesitate
but she couldn't do the drop
so she was left up at the top
the other's projection inadequate

and then the scream of a child
the mass chaos of bruise and blood
the next bit of time seemed rather wild
though everything seemed to reconcile
but that did not prevent the flood

"if only you hadn't hesitated"
is all it really took
the injuries that were related 
and the feeling of the fault is was what she really hated
until that night inside of her everything shook

followed was the declaration that it wasn't her
expect it was because she repeated
but this time a bigger pot was stirred
how could she know exactly what would occur?
a mistake and hesitation that got really overheated

so now the lesson is finally learned
when you hesitate people get hurt 
and sometimes even you will get burned
but from all of this she suddenly turned
and all her courage she does now exert.

waiting is expensive

last night he wanted to say goodbye,
but not for the first time.
why stay where moments are to buy
when waiting is expensive and stealing is a crime?

but she sat a little more than an hour away
tucked in a corner, not sure what to say
or how to deal with all that was coming her way

professionally discussing all the issues
analyzing every possible bruise 
but wondering why not take the easier brews 

there was a man or two in the past
she held them down, but they came up fast
and here she was now looking for something to last

one too present; the other nowhere to be found
one where she cried out but couldn't make a sound
the other hiding within his own issues bound

and then the woman cleaning up the mess of the first
thinking through her own adolescent curse
hoping this was the end of the worst of the worst

and what about the woman of the second?
she sat alone in her world so blackened  
speaking words that should not have happened

but no one saw her struggle past the age of eight
even when it came again when she was ready to date
leading to the ten years he made her wait

yet in the meantime she tempted fate
and he tried with her to mate
but it only left her with more self hate

and then the two years
with the problems of all of her peers
with the need to face all of her fears

with the demons through the eyes peered
with the best friend of lines smeared
with the balloon in skies cleared

with the nights of nonstop gears
with the divorce drawing near
with the sudden sound of the thousands' cheers

sitting in a whale during probation
something that seems unfixable with any level of desperation 
a ripple of hurt caused by hesitation

and now suddenly she's there
in the place she never would have dared
living off of nothing but prayer

but only at the seeming betrayal of a friend
a relationship that might quickly be coming to an end
creating another wound that might never mend

and is there no apology?
there's such a difference in theology
she knows it's not as logical as geology 

but what about the blurred lines?
but what about the willing signs?
but what about the boy killing time?

and is there a light in the ville?
a force that makes everything still?
come of it what will

so she sits a little less than a half hour away
tucked in a corner, not sure what to say
or how to deal with all that has come her way

because last night she wanted to say goodbye,
at least for a little bit of time.
why stay where there are no moments to buy
when waiting is expensive and stealing is a crime?

a million seconds

a million seconds
only a million seconds
a lot can build in a million seconds.
but a lot can fall apart in a million seconds

when a fire is set
to see who is still standing
when the smoke clears
over heads and out of time

get off the jet
for a job so demanding
without a voice to hear
but the fault was still mine

passing glances
take the elevator
take the stairs
but my rules i did bend

2, 137 escape chances
yet a hope generator
do that i wouldn't dare
its all the same in the end

but the dust cleared
in the middle of nowhere
imaginatively together
in reality alone

shadows drawing near
thinking all was fair
waiting for the weather
parts that were shown

the multiples of five
the cabin up north
the long sleeved pet peeve
such and such and such

and on that drive
banter back and forth
a need for ears relieved
ended with a touch

and that was it
back to opposite sides
yet still imaginatively together
still alone in reality

before the thrown fit
you were an illuminated guide
trying to cut the dangerous tether
while running away calmly

when a fire is set
to see who is still standing
when the smoke clears
over heads and out of time

the right side again lost the bet
the implications branding
plunged back into fear
knowing it was out of line

a million seconds
only a million seconds
a lot can build in a million seconds.
but a lot can fall apart in a million seconds